Omlete: A Bleach Oneshot
by Melpomene of Tragic Olympus
Summary: Orihime makes a bet with Aaroniero, Grimmjow and Starrk involving the ever stoic and aloof Ulquiorra Cifer. What ensues is comic hilarity. Oneshot. OrixUliqui. No Lemons. Sorry peeps.


A/N: This is my first Bleach one-shot, so be gentle. If this gets good reviews, I may do more Ulqui-Hime stories since I like the pairing more than Ichi-Hime. This one-shot was written purely in the spur of the moment and written over the span of a day and a half. Enjoy.

All _Bleach_ characters are property of Tito Kube.  
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"Woman, I swear if you do not release me now, I shall subject you to a world of misery beyond the likes of which you have never seen."

Brave words emitting from the mouth of the Quatro Espada as he was being attacked in the most unusual manner by the overly-cheerful captive that Aizen had put into his care. The great and stoic Ulquiorra Cifer, the fourth-ranked Espada, was suffering from something so tragic that it threatened to tear at the very fabric of his existence and cause the usually aloof Arrancar to cero everything from Las Noches to the pyramids of Egypt. What is this feat so frightening, and so entertaining that it had every Espada that witnessed it cracking up in maddening laughter?

Ulquiorra was being hugged by Orihime Inoue.

Yes…  
Hugged.

The cheerful and chipper girl from Karakura Town had enveloped the green-eyed Espada in a hug so tight that his usually pale skin was beginning to turn blue, almost the shade, Tier would later recall, of Grimmjow's hair, which the other Espada found quite amusing, especially the gigantic Nnoitra Gilga. The oversized Espada was fond, to use the term loosely, of annoying the other Espada, especially Ulquiorra. And this was prime fodder for the gigantic arrancar. Oh what fun this would be.

"Woman, I am warning you only once more, release me or I shall run you through."

"Oh don't be like that, Ulquiorra," giggled Orihime as she finally released Ulquiorra.  
"You looked like you needed that hug… We all need affection sometimes."

"Save the useless human speech, Woman. I have no need to hear it. You are under my care because it was so ordered by Lord Aizen. Push your luck and I will not protect you from the consequences."

"Why are you always so mean to me, Ulqui? What have I done to you to make you hate me so much? I haven't struggled, I haven't fought, I've done what's asked of me, so why can't you just accept something as simple as a hug when it's given to you?!"

Frustration became evident on the face of Ulquiorra whle Orihime was speaking. Her words were like a cheese grater on his skin, a massive irritation. Sighing heavily, Ulquiorra turned his back to the red-head and closed his eyes. He was getting a massive migraine, and this conversation wasn't helping it go away. He pinched the bridge of his nose as Orihime ranted on and on about friendship. Finally, after a few minutes of listening to her ramblings, he could take no more. The now irate Espada spun around, facing Orihime, the usually droll look replaced with a look of sheer anger and contempt.

"_Will you shut up already?! I've heard enough of your incessant friendship speeches! You have ten seconds to shut the hell up, or so help me, Orihime, I will hang you upside down and subject you to torture unimaginable! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"_

Orihime watched the seething anger as Ulquiorra's reiatsu flared to its fullest, nearly bringing her to her knees as she bared the full force of his anger and resentment. When she saw that he was done, she stood back up, dusting off her white clothes, and flashed Ulquiorra a smile so bright that the sun would be envious. Watching the now puzzled Ulquiorra, she turned towards the door to her room and headed for it, only to stop in the doorway, the grin still on her face.

"I told you I could do it, boys. Now…I'll be out in the garden, I will wait for my omelet there."

As Orihime walked off, Ulquiorra walked to the opened door to see who she was talking to. Upon stepping out into the hallway, he noticed the lazy Primera Coyote Starrk, the sarcastic Sexta Grimmjow Jagerjacques, and the body shifting Nuevo Aaroniero Arruruerie (in Kaien Shiba's body), staring in collective shock as Ulquiorra regained his usual aloof demeanor, raising a brow at them.

"What was that about? What was that about gardens and omelets, and she told you she could do _what_ exactly?"

Suddenly….Starrk and Aarionero remembered that they had somewhere else to be, leaving a very boisterously loud Grimmjow alone, still laughing at the events that had transpired. Catching his breath, he patted Ulquiorra on the shoulder and did his best not to break out into laughter again as he related to Ulquiorra what all the hullaballo was about.

"That fucking ditz bet Starrk, Squid Boy and me a gourmet breakfast that she could get you to show emotions. We didn't think she could do it, but I have to give the girl credit….She had you goin', Ulquiorra. She….what's the human expression?...played you like a fiddle."

A snarl was the only thing Grimmjow heard before the cero blast hit him dead in the chest, sending him through the wall behind him and crashing into the table in Gin's room, knocking over the record player that was emitting soothing music. A quick glance between Ulquiorra and Grimmjow, and Gin Ichimaru cracked a smile, exiting his room through the hole in the wall.

"Hey, Ulquiorra," yelled Starrk from down the hall.

"What?"

"Orihime wanted us to make her an omelet, right?"

"Yes."

"Then I have a question."

"What?"

"What's an omelet?"

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A/N: Bwahahaha! I love this story. I could actually see this happening in the manga/anime.  
Anyway, hope y'all liked it. ~Melpomene


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